


Nothing Feels "Right"

by Lyndsey08



Series: A/B/O Thomas/Janus/Roman [6]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alpha Deceit | Janus Sanders, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Beta Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Compulsions, Depression, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Negative Self Talk, Obsessions, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Omega Thomas, Romantic Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Thomas Sanders has OCD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:20:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28948071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyndsey08/pseuds/Lyndsey08
Summary: Thomas has always known he has a lot of anxiety, but he's having more trouble managing it as his life in college continues.  He's plagued with constant intrusive thoughts and he feels like he's starting to spiral out of control on days he can't get his anxiety under control.Thomas actually has OCD but won't realize that until he meets Dr. Picani soon.  This is 100% me projecting onto Thomas.  If it's a little unusual to read (and it probably will be) I'm sorry, it's taking a lot for me to post this.  If this isn't your thing, you could totally skip this section of the story and just know that Thomas needs some help managing his anxiety.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Thomas Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Roceit, Thomas/Roman - Relationship, roman/janus, thomas/janus, thomceit
Series: A/B/O Thomas/Janus/Roman [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115147
Kudos: 15





	Nothing Feels "Right"

**Author's Note:**

> Thomas' thoughts are literally a bunch of different examples of my brain at any given moment. It's a little unusual, but it's 100% authentic. Maybe this story and the following sections that have Thomas dealing with his feelings will make someone else with severe anxiety or some type of OCD feel a little less alone. 
> 
> That would be amazing <3
> 
> Thanks you for reading, let me know if you enjoyed this!
> 
> **Show Thomas' thoughts inside his head**

“I’m just tired, Ro,” Thomas tried to reassure the other man, smiling and reaching out to squeeze his hand affectionately. “I think I’m gonna go lay down for a little while,” he added a moment later.

Roman didn’t look convinced but nodded, “If you’re sure everything’s okay…”

“I’m sure,” Thomas insisted, reaching up on his tiptoes to kiss the beta on the cheek. Roman looked at him for a long moment before moving to sit down at the desk in the living room to edit a video on his laptop.

Thomas turned away and made his way across the living room and up the stairs. The moment he was out of Roman’s view he let his easy smile fall. That small interaction had even been a struggle as a heaviness settled down deeply inside his chest. 

He couldn’t bear the thought of smiling or making conversation right now. All he wanted to do was fall into bed, bury himself under the covers and sleep this off. 

If he was lucky. 

Thomas stood between the dresser and bed as he contemplated changing into something more comfortable. Sighing, he decided it would be too much work. Depressive episodes this heavy were a bitch.

Feeling useless, he moved over to the far side of the bed and tugged back the covers. The omega slipped underneath the bedspread and grabbed an extra pillow, holding it close to his chest and curling up on his side. He lay in the dimness of the room for a very long time, alternating between staring out the window or closing his eyes in an attempt to fall asleep. 

His chest felt hollow and his brain was overcrowded with negative, insidious whispers. 

**You didn’t come up the stairs correctly, it didn’t feel right. Are you sure you started on the right foot? If it was the left, you’d better go do it again or something terrible is going to happen. The bedroom door was already open and you didn’t shut it with your left hand before opening it a second time with your right. You stepped into the bedroom with your left foot first instead of your right. Your keys are sitting the wrong way in your pocket, but you didn’t fix it. What’s wrong with you, why aren’t you fixing anything?**

**You’re so useless. Not a main part of this relationship, just the side piece, the afterthought. They’ll get tired of you and your bullshit eventually. Why wouldn’t they? You clearly don’t have much to offer. So disgusting, something’s not right with you, why can’t you just be normal? Why are you so fucked up? No one else feels this way, you’re the only one who has a full on conversation inside your head about stupid shit.**

Thomas flinched and bit his lip.

**No! I take it back, I take it back, I take it back, I take it back…** Thomas thought miserably, pressing his face into a pillow and trying to breathe. It was no use, now the thoughts had started and wouldn’t be quieted until this episode was over.

**What if this one lasts forever? What if it never goes away? What if you start counting right now and can never stop. Every morning, you’ll wake up and start this all over again. You’re wrong, this is wrong, you make everything else wrong.**

Thomas wrapped his arms more tightly around the pillow, hugged against his chest and tapped his thumb and index fingers together on both hands rhythmically to set everything right again. It would make everything go back to how it was supposed to be and he wouldn’t ruin anything today

He kept tapping his fingers together in a desperate attempt to calm himself down. Right, left, right, right…Left, right, left, left. He was so fucking tired...he just wanted to fall asleep and not think for a little while.

Ten minutes later, the whispers inside his head quieted just a fraction but when he tried to stop clicking his fingers together, they immediately came back. The change from a distant, outside voice in his mind melded into his own voice and he barely noticed the transition.

**I can’t stop, I have to keep going. Everything I’ve done is wrong today, so Jan’s going to die. And then Roman’s going to die, too. And it will all be my fault. Why couldn't I do anything right today? I won’t die, I’ll just be stuck here alone. No one cares about me, I’m just a useless waste of space. I’m only a burden. What’s wrong with me, why am I so fucked up? This is so fucking weird, they’d kick me out so fast if they knew I think about things like this all the time...**

He continued tapping for minutes or hours...he lost track of the time. He was so tired, his chest felt heavy and his mind was too fast, running at a ridiculously fast pace. Tears soaked the pillowcase as the darkness finally dragged Thomas under and into a restless sleep.

***

Janus walked through the front door, and automatically smiled at his mate sitting at the desk editing. Roman had headphones on and was completely absorbed in the task at hand and didn’t realize Janus had entered the room for a few moments. Upon catching the scent of his mate, he turned and grinned at the man toeing his shoes off near the front door.

“Hey you,” Janus murmured happily, leaning down to kiss the beta and nuzzling him before pulling away. He glanced around but heard no noise in the kitchen, “Where’s Thomas?” he asked.

Roman’s face immediately fell and he grabbed his phone, swiping it open to show an alarm ticking down the minutes. “I think he’s having one of those really bad days, he went to go take a nap. I set this for 5:00, if you weren’t home by then I was going to try and wake him up to see if he’d eat something,” Roman explained quietly.

Janus bit his lip in thought, they’d dealt with these depressive episodes before. Thomas had refused in the past to discuss taking an antidepressant and Janus hadn’t wanted to push him on the subject. Most days, Thomas was lively and very happy with everyone and everything. He functioned cheerfully and went about his daily tasks with no problem.

But once in a while, Thomas struggled to function, period.

Watching his mate shut down was one of the hardest things he’d ever experienced. It left both Janus and Roman feeling helpless as they watched their youngest mate curl in on himself and feel numb with depression.

The alpha sighed, “Alright, I’ll go check on him,” he reassured him, kissing Roman’s hair before turning to walk up the stairs.

The alpha quietly peered into the dark bedroom and was able to make out a small lump under the covers in the middle of the bed. He shrugged off his suit jacket and draped it over the back of a chair before walking around to the other side of the bed, kneeling down to be at eye level with his mate.

Thomas distantly registered the scent of his alpha but made no move to acknowledge that he was nearby. His hands had cramped painfully hours before until he physically couldn’t tap anymore to calm himself down. The ache in his chest was heavy and his body hurt for seemingly no reason.

“Sweetheart, what’s going on today?” the alpha murmured, one hand coming up to rest on the mattress in front of the omega. He waited for Thomas to indicate it was alright to touch him, they had all learned that the hard way in the past. The younger man reached out and the movement signaled to Janus it was alright to take it in his own.

“I’m just tired, Jan,” the omega said quietly, hating that his voice didn’t sound at all convincing. Janus studied his mate, inhaling deeply and contemplating how to proceed.

“Thomas, I don’t think that’s all,” Janus replied gently, running a hand through his wavy hair.

The younger man was silent as he met Janus’ eyes. Finally, he spoke, “It’s just a really bad day,” the omega whispered.

“Can I keep you company? Or would you rather be alone?” the alpha asked gently.

“You can stay,” Thomas said softly, scooting over to make room for his mate. 

**No! You’re not right today! Don’t let him near you, don’t let him touch you, you’ll make him die! You didn’t do anything right today! Stop, stop, stop! Get away!**

Janus unbuttoned his dark gray shirt and shrugged it off before sliding into bed next to Thomas. His white t-shirt felt soft and familiar as Thomas immediately moved to bury himself against the fabric. Janus stroked across Thomas’ back repetitively in long, slow movements. The scent of the omega’s distress was still thick and uncomfortable in the air between them.

“Do you want to talk about anything?” Janus asked, continuing to brush his hand along the smaller man’s back.

“Not yet,” Thomas admitted, leaning forward to bury his face against Janus’ chest, the fabric soft against his cheek. He didn’t even register that he was crying until Janus’ fingertips were wiping away the tears on his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” the omega gasped, crying harder and screwing his eyes shut tightly.

“It’s alright, I’ve got you, sweetheart, we’ll get you through this,” Janus murmured reassuringly, pressing a kiss to Thomas’ forehead.

“It hurts, everything hurts so much, I feel like it’s crushing me and I can’t breathe,” Thomas gasped through his tears, “Nothing feels right today, I can’t do anything right no matter how hard I try.”

“I know it hurts right now, but I promise you won’t feel this way forever, sweetheart,” Janus reminded him gently, “Tomorrow will be a little better.”

Jokes on you, it never really gets any better, Jan. Some days are just not quite as terrible as others, he thought bitterly.

“I hate this,” the smaller man sniffed mournfully.

“I know, I hate when you feel like this and there’s nothing I can do to help,” Janus explained quietly, his heart aching for his mate as he held him in his arms.

“Please just stay,” Thomas pleaded through his tears, suddenly feeling desperate, “Please don’t leave me, Jan.”

“I’ll stay here until you tell me to move, sweetheart, I promise, you don’t have to do this alone,” the alpha soothed him gently.

“I just...hate this so fucking much,” Thomas gasped through his tears, “Why can’t anything just be simple? Why do I have to be broken? Why do I never just feel ‘right’? I don’t want to be this sad, I just want my brain to work the right way. It isn’t fair that my shit drags you and Roman down, too. You didn’t sign up for that. I’m so sorry I dragged you into this. I should have told you before you mated with me...” he trailed off miserably as Janus shushed him very gently.

“That’s not true, my love, we would have still mated with you even if we’d known just how severe your anxiety can be at times, I promise,” Janus vowed softly, his hands moving soothingly in long strokes against the omega’s back.

Half an hour later, Janus had comforted Thomas enough to stop crying, but despite his best intentions could do little to nothing to take away the aching pain inside the omega’s chest. He vaguely registered that the omega was just barely tapping his toes against the air but was more focused on sliding his hands along the omega in soothing, slow motions.

Roman poked his head inside the open bedroom door and looked to Janus for a gauge on what to do next in this situation. 

“Can Roman come over here, too?” Janus asked softly, brushing dark strands of hair away from Thomas’ eyes. The omega nodded, sniffing and distantly registering how sore his throat felt from crying for so long today. Soon he felt his other mate pressed up close behind him, surrounding him and making him feel safe, at least for a few moments.

Thomas felt his body slipping closer into sleep as he focused on both of his mates holding him, protecting him. When his breathing slowed and became more rhythmic, Janus sighed and reached one hand out to Roman. Their fingers twined together and rested on the omega’s waist.

The two men lay in silence for a long while, fingers linked together as they watched their youngest mate sleep. Tear tracks marred his face and dark circles were smudged underneath his eyes.

“I hate when he feels like this,” Janus murmured, “I feel so helpless. I’m supposed to be able to protect him from anything and...I can’t even make a dent in his depression. I feel useless, I should be able to help him more…” he trailed off sadly.

“Jan, do you think maybe he should try to find a therapist?” Roman whispered, threading his fingers through his mate’s dark hair as he slept uneasily between them.

“He seems to be having more episodes…” Janus commented without actually agreeing to the statement.

The alpha knew that they were going to have to get their youngest mate some type of help very soon.


End file.
